Outline for the video:
- 0-0:49 Intro and explanation of some of our adorable kids joining us
- 0:49-9:18 Question for Scott: “Should we leave this church?”
- 9:19-14:13 Question for Katie: “How can I get my husband to pay more attention to me than our kids?”
- 14:14-15:35 A few thoughts from Scott on the question given to Katie
- 15:36-16:06 Marriage God’s Way book giveaway
- 16:07-19:27 Update on Marriage God’s Way Workbook and closing
Question for Scott: “Should we leave this church?”
I wanted to ask about leaving our church because of their misunderstanding of some doctrines. I don’t think I’ve handled the situation well. We’ve been checking out other churches, so instead of being a voice of reason the awkwardness has us not going there at all. My desire has been to continue going there, but my wife does not enjoy it. Though the people are sincere, the church is dead and there is a heavy spiritual attack going on. Another reason my wife doesn’t want to attend is my former fiancé from three years ago is there. The girl and I have no interest in each other, but it’s still hard for my wife to see her.
Every church we visit there is a lack of sobriety, or the they seem to be off base somewhere important. Perhaps they allow female teachers or there’s a “pop Christianity.” I’ve suffered way too much to attend a ho-hum church. I want seriousness, Scripture, and the life of Christ.
I met with the pastor a few times to reconcile our differences. He’s a very intellectual person and familiar with Scripture. But he’s come to a different interpretation of almost everything I believe God has taught me. I don’t see the pastor changing his mind, and I don’t know if I should bring up to the rest of the church the things I think are wrong.
What should I do?
I appreciate your sensitivity to your wife. I’m glad you’re not discounting her thoughts, because I believe God wants to use our wives to speak to us as husbands. With that said, you’re still the head of your marriage and you need to do what’s best for your family.
Good and bad reasons to “leave this church”
You seem to want to leave because they’re neglecting to address sin, which is a good reason. Your wife says the church is dead. I’m not sure what she means, so I can’t say whether that’s a good or bad reason to leave:
- If she means not much is happening, that’s not a good reason to leave. Maybe God would use your family to “bring life” to the church.
- If she means spiritually dead – like Revelation 3:1 discusses – because they’re not preaching the Gospel, that’s a good reason to leave. The Gospel is a deal breaker.
Regarding your ex-fiancé, I think that’s a good reason to leave. You need to treat your wife as the weaker vessel as 1 Peter 3:7 commands. That means being sensitive to your wife’s feelings, and that means not putting her in a situation such as this. Additionally, although you said your fiancé doesn’t have feelings for you, you can’t be completely sure so your presence could be a stumbling block to her too.
Talk to your pastor, but not the congregation
When you leave this church you should let the pastor know, and explain the situation. You owe it to him to be honest. As a pastor, that’s what I would want.
But unless you’re asked, you shouldn’t share with the rest of the church why you’re leaving. Sometimes there’s a fine line between being the cause for righteousness and being divisive.
Resources for finding churches
Since I don’t know what’s important to you, I can’t recommend a certain church. But there are some good websites to help you search:
- Family integration is important to us, so we’d check NCFIC (National Center for Family Integrated Churches)
- Acts 29 network
- The Gospel Coalition
Question for Katie: “How can I get my husband to pay more attention to me than our kids?”
I am jealous of my husband’s affection for our kids. How can I be more enjoyable and gain his affection? Also, any tips for turning off my jealousy?
I can relate to this! My husband loves our kids more than any Daddy I know. This is definitely something to be thankful for! Many fathers want to get away from their kids. I think this is because some mamas do such a poor job training their children. Daddy wants to stay away because they’ve become spoiled brats.
So here’s what I would recommend…
First, praise God your husband loves your children so much. And praise your husband for showing them affection. Thank him for not being like other fathers who don’t show their kids any attention.
Second, as wives we need to be attractive. Sometimes our children are flat out more enjoyable than us. Here are two things that I think make my children so attractive to my husband, and perhaps it’s the same with yours:
- My children aren’t stressed out. No husband wants to spend hours with a wife who is grumpy. Throughout the day practice giving your burdens to the Lord so that when your husband gets home it’s not thrown in his face.
- My children aren’t controlling. They don’t tell Daddy what he should and shouldn’t do. I struggle with that. Let the Holy Spirit be in charge of him.
I am preaching to myself by the way with all this advice :).
Here’s the video if you’d like to see (and/or participate in) the discussion on Facebook:
How would you answer these questions? What thoughts or advice would you like pass along?