Posted on

“Leave this church?” and “Hubby likes kids more than me!”

"Should we leave our church?" and "My husband likes our kids more than me!"

Outline for the video:

  • 0-0:49 Intro and explanation of some of our adorable kids joining us
  • 0:49-9:18 Question for Scott: “Should we leave this church?”
  • 9:19-14:13 Question for Katie: “How can I get my husband to pay more attention to me than our kids?”
  • 14:14-15:35 A few thoughts from Scott on the question given to Katie
  • 15:36-16:06 Marriage God’s Way book giveaway
  • 16:07-19:27 Update on Marriage God’s Way Workbook and closing

Question for Scott: “Should we leave this church?”

I wanted to ask about leaving our church because of their misunderstanding of some doctrines. I don’t think I’ve handled the situation well. We’ve been checking out other churches, so instead of being a voice of reason the awkwardness has us not going there at all. My desire has been to continue going there, but my wife does not enjoy it. Though the people are sincere, the church is dead and there is a heavy spiritual attack going on. Another reason my wife doesn’t want to attend is my former fiancé from three years ago is there. The girl and I have no interest in each other, but it’s still hard for my wife to see her.

Every church we visit there is a lack of sobriety, or the they seem to be off base somewhere important. Perhaps they allow female teachers or there’s a “pop Christianity.” I’ve suffered way too much to attend a ho-hum church. I want seriousness, Scripture, and the life of Christ.

I met with the pastor a few times to reconcile our differences. He’s a very intellectual person and familiar with Scripture. But he’s come to a different interpretation of almost everything I believe God has taught me. I don’t see the pastor changing his mind, and I don’t know if I should bring up to the rest of the church the things I think are wrong.

What should I do?

My response…

I appreciate your sensitivity to your wife. I’m glad you’re not discounting her thoughts, because I believe God wants to use our wives to speak to us as husbands. With that said, you’re still the head of your marriage and you need to do what’s best for your family.

Good and bad reasons to “leave this church”

You seem to want to leave because they’re neglecting to address sin, which is a good reason. Your wife says the church is dead. I’m not sure what she means, so I can’t say whether that’s a good or bad reason to leave:

  • If she means not much is happening, that’s not a good reason to leave. Maybe God would use your family to “bring life” to the church.
  • If she means spiritually dead – like Revelation 3:1 discusses – because they’re not preaching the Gospel, that’s a good reason to leave. The Gospel is a deal breaker.

Regarding your ex-fiancé, I think that’s a good reason to leave. You need to treat your wife as the weaker vessel as 1 Peter 3:7 commands. That means being sensitive to your wife’s feelings, and that means not putting her in a situation such as this. Additionally, although you said your fiancé doesn’t have feelings for you, you can’t be completely sure so your presence could be a stumbling block to her too.

Talk to your pastor, but not the congregation

When you leave this church you should let the pastor know, and explain the situation. You owe it to him to be honest. As a pastor, that’s what I would want.

But unless you’re asked, you shouldn’t share with the rest of the church why you’re leaving. Sometimes there’s a fine line between being the cause for righteousness and being divisive.

Resources for finding churches

Since I don’t know what’s important to you, I can’t recommend a certain church. But there are some good websites to help you search:

Question for Katie: “How can I get my husband to pay more attention to me than our kids?”

I am jealous of my husband’s affection for our kids. How can I be more enjoyable and gain his affection? Also, any tips for turning off my jealousy?

I can relate to this! My husband loves our kids more than any Daddy I know. This is definitely something to be thankful for! Many fathers want to get away from their kids. I think this is because some mamas do such a poor job training their children. Daddy wants to stay away because they’ve become spoiled brats.

So here’s what I would recommend…

First, praise God your husband loves your children so much. And praise your husband for showing them affection. Thank him for not being like other fathers who don’t show their kids any attention.

Second, as wives we need to be attractive. Sometimes our children are flat out more enjoyable than us. Here are two things that I think make my children so attractive to my husband, and perhaps it’s the same with yours:

  1. My children aren’t stressed out. No husband wants to spend hours with a wife who is grumpy. Throughout the day practice giving your burdens to the Lord so that when your husband gets home it’s not thrown in his face.
  2. My children aren’t controlling. They don’t tell Daddy what he should and shouldn’t do. I struggle with that. Let the Holy Spirit be in charge of him.

I am preaching to myself by the way with all this advice :).

Here’s the video if you’d like to see (and/or participate in) the discussion on Facebook:

Discuss

How would you answer these questions? What thoughts or advice would you like pass along?

Related Posts

18 thoughts on ““Leave this church?” and “Hubby likes kids more than me!”

  1. My husband had an adulterous affair with a woman on his job. This ruined my marriage. I was asked by a friend to contact Dr. Mac for help and i did and after 3 days my husband stopped his adulterous behavior and started treating me like a queen, he loves more now.

    1. Hello Maria,
      I’m sorry to hear that your husband cheated on you. Can you elaborate a little regarding what this doctor did that encouraged your husband to stop his adultery in three days?

  2. […] Be sure to check out this other video: “Leave this church?” and “Hubby likes kids more than me!” […]

  3. Regarding: “Talk to your pastor, but not the congregation When you leave this church you should let the pastor know, and explain the situation. You owe it to him to be honest. As a pastor, that’s what I would want. But unless you’re asked, you shouldn’t share with the rest of the church why you’re leaving. Sometimes there’s a fine line between being the cause for righteousness and being divisive.”

    Follow me here…

    I’ve blogged before (https://summersperspective.wordpress.com/2015/03/29/the-church-should-you-leave-your-church/) about when one should/shouldn’t leave a church, and tho’ I’m not an expert by any means, the conclusion that I came to is that there are few reasons one *should* leave. And most (all?) of those reasons are for a church that’s teaching is not Biblically sound. IF a church is not doctrinally sound, or clearly dead/sinful, then I’d disagree with your statement to keep it a secret why you left (I think I shared with you a long while back that it’s this teaching from Bill Gothard that always had me concerned as a child, continuing through adulthood). In fact, as good Bereans, and as Paul did, we should call sin what it is. And not fear being called divisive. One *should* divide themselves (and encourage others away) from sin.

    Does that make sense?

    Obviously, if it is a minor or personal discrepancy, or not based on the Biblical soundness, I agree completely. But then, I’d argue one shouldn’t have left. 🙂

    I will say here tho’ that one need be very careful, as talking badly about any church – and this is where I think the fine line lies – can be very detrimental to the kingdom and glory and honor of God. We must pray that we can all be salt & light, and be careful to keep our hearts soft, our tongues slow, and our eyes on Him through this and all things.

    1. Hi Summer,
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

      Yes, I remember that blog post of yours, and as a pastor I appreciated it for a number of reasons. I think there are a few other good reasons to leave a church. For example, perhaps they don’t deal with sin; they’re theologically sound, but they don’t practice church discipline. Although, maybe you’d say a church that doesn’t practice church discipline is showing they’re not biblically sound? But it seems to me as though you were focusing on teaching, and a church can teach biblically without operating biblically.

      John MacArthur gave some good reasons in this article to leave a church, but most of them relate to what you said.

      You said:

      IF a church is not doctrinally sound, or clearly dead/sinful, then I’d disagree with your statement to keep it a secret why you left (I think I shared with you a long while back that it’s this teaching from Bill Gothard that always had me concerned as a child, continuing through adulthood). In fact, as good Bereans, and as Paul did, we should call sin what it is. And not fear being called divisive. One *should* divide themselves (and encourage others away) from sin.

      Well, I didn’t really say to keep it a secret. I presented two situations warranting sharing:
      1. Share the info with the pastor/elders when leaving.
      2. Share the reason you left with anyone who asks.

      But I think going beyond that and telling everyone in the church could be divisive. The pastor and elders should have time to take the person’s thoughts into consideration, hopefully be challenged/changed by them, and then make the appropriate changes in the church. But that opportunity is taken away from if the individuals leaving share their concerns with everyone else.

      Yes, I appreciate what you said about making the church look bad. Few things look worse than Christians criticizing the church. While it’s definitely warranted at times, it has to be done only when truly necessary. The devil and the world love nothing more than seeing Christians turning on each other.

      Thanks again for your thoughts.

    2. “For example, perhaps they don’t deal with sin; they’re theologically sound, but they don’t practice church discipline. Although, maybe you’d say a church that doesn’t practice church discipline is showing they’re not biblically sound? But it seems to me as though you were focusing on teaching, and a church can teach biblically without operating biblically.” Great point.

      As for the rest of your reply, I agree with you. Except the scenario you presented (talking to elders first and them taking it as a challenge and changing, IF it is a question of biblical soundness)… I’d hope the folks weren’t *leaving* the church, and instead grow with their family through it. 🙂 Thus, I hope they’d only be sharing their concerns upon leaving IF the church *continued* to not be biblically sound.

      Thanks for the response!

    3. Summer,
      Got it. Thanks for the clarification(s)!

  4. […] “Leave this church?” and “Hubby likes kids more than me!” […]

  5. About 4 years ago, we felt God calling us to leave the church family we were a part of. It was the hardest thing we had done up to that point, but being prayerful about it all confirmed that it was God’s will. At first we couldn’t understand why, but now looking back we see how he wanted to use us, grow our faith and let us see that our church family isn’t just inside the four walls we go on Sunday. They are literally world wide.

    It’s difficult to leave and you gave very good advice as to how to approach their situation.

    1. Hi Kristi,
      Thanks for sharing. If you don’t mind me asking – since it was one of the main topics of the post – would you share why you wanted to leave? Would be good to hear another person’s thoughts on why/when people should leave a church.

      What church did you and your family end up attending? Did you feel that it satisfied whatever desires put you at odds with your previous church?

      Thanks ahead of time if you feel comfortable sharing all this.

  6. Great advice from both you and your wife! Thank you for taking the time to bless and minister to others in this way!

    You have a beautiful family. Your kids are adorable.

    1. Urailak,
      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!

      By the way, I appreciate your ministry as a couple. I’m blessed by the missionary work you engage in as a couple!

  7. Wow, excellent response Pastor-truth and love!

    1. Thanks Brother. I appreciate you and yours very much!

  8. Thanks for this post and addressing this question. I recently left my church of 7 years for various reasons which I won’t publish here, and it was a very hard decision. I ultimately knew that God wanted me to go elsewhere and when I left, I felt a great peace over it. I talked with my Pastor and his wife in private over some of the reasons that I chose to leave and still maintain a relationship with them. I had been praying on this for a couple of years with my family, and even when I thought I was sure about leaving, I continued praying for several months. This is something that needs to be discussed more.

    1. Kalinann,
      I think you handled the decision very well. I hope others who read this post see your testimony. It’s one of the worst feelings as a pastor when you’re left wondering why people left. Might not even be for any negative reasons…but you don’t know that unless people share with you.

      I think it’s a credit to you – and the maturity of the pastor and his wife – that you’re able to maintain a good relationship.

Do you have a question or thought? If so, please share!